Navigating the Expat Life as an Introvert
I left my home country, Singapore, in 2009 with a 2-month-old baby in tow, embarking on an adventure that many friends and family didn't fully understand or agree with. Our first 9 months were spent in Melbourne, then we moved to Nagoya, Japan, for the next 2 years, followed by The Big Apple, NYC, for another 2.5 years, before settling in Brisbane, Australia, for 5.5 years. The last 4.5 years were spent in Ho Chi Minh, Vietnam.
Flying solo with the 9 month old relocating from Melbourne to Nagoya.
As an introvert, embracing a nomadic lifestyle while juggling the needs of a growing family, work expectations, new cultures, schools, and languages can be overwhelming. Before diving into the article, here’s a quick & dirty explanation for those who may not know much about introversion.
Introversion is a personality trait characterized by a preference for quiet, solitude, independence, and a more inward focus on thoughts and feelings. Introverts are often mistaken for being shy & antisocial or socially awkward (although I must admit, that is me, a #recoveringawkwardintrovert). Introversion is biological; the brain processes stimuli differently between introverts and extroverts (read the article here). If you’re unsure where you fall on the introversion-extroversion spectrum, take the quiz here!
I hope by sharing my personal journey, I can inspire a young professional considering making the leap, encourage other introverted professionals as ‘newbie’ expatriates to keep tapping into their quiet confidence, and help everyone else understand or support a friend or family member on or considering an expat journey.
The Emotions of a New City, a New Country
When I first left Singapore for Melbourne on our initial expat stint, the emotional rollercoaster was intense. There were feelings of excitement and happiness from going to a land where NO ONE knows you (you won’t bump into a high school friend you haven’t seen for 10 years and have to make small talk), the thrill of embracing new cultures, foods, and seasons (hello, winter!). But there were also feelings of uncertainty, loneliness, helplessness (especially as a first-time mom), and so much social anxiety as an introvert. I wasn’t sure how I was going to handle living overseas, let alone raise a family without a support community around me.
After a snow storm, trying to get the car going again in NYC was an interesting experience.
The Unique Challenges of Introverted Expats
Common social challenges, such as building new relationships, navigating cultural differences, and dealing with language barriers, all become a bit harder for introverts. An introvert’s energy drains when engaged socially too frequently, but social engagement is necessary to build new networks and connections to prevent isolation.
Language barriers pose an added hurdle. I took language classes in Japan to help overcome this challenge. However, because of my relatively short stay and a lack of practice due to my preference for staying mostly at home with my baby, I couldn’t get past basic conversational standards (cue envy for polyglots). This limitation meant I was stuck making small talk in Japanese, something that makes me wilt a little. The less I practiced, the more I remained at a superficial conversational level.
Introverts, who naturally incline toward solitude, might find themselves slipping into isolation more easily when abroad. This isolation can be compounded by the lack of a familiar support network. As a young mom in a foreign land, I found myself at home mostly so I could ensure all the baby's naps were taken at home. That meant I would only venture out for an hour or two maximum per day. I thrived in solitude for a while, but then loneliness started to creep in when the baby was sick or fussy, and there was no community or friend to talk to.
The Unique Strengths of Introverted Expats
While it may seem like the expat life is more suited to our extroverted counterparts (or even ambiverts), there are many notable strengths that introverts can bring to the expat experience.
Introverts are usually good listeners, deep thinkers, and observant. As foreigners in a new country, these skills help them adapt to new cultures. As a deep thinker and being observant, introverts will quickly pick up social cues that are unique, building cultural sensitivity. In the early days of my Japan stint, I wasn’t aware that eating while walking is frowned upon as ‘improper’. I picked up this cue while walking home with my baby in tow after a swim lesson. Famished, I handed my baby a bun to munch on while I munched on another. Many pairs of eyes scanned us as we strolled home, accompanied by strange glances. I reflected on the experience, did a detailed rundown of the sequence of events in an attempt to figure out what I did or didn’t do. I’m glad I figured out the faux pas early in our stint there and made sure it didn’t happen again.
Good listening skills give introverts an edge in understanding different perspectives & cultural norms. This ability allows them to understand and empathize with the perspectives of locals, aiding in smoother cultural integration. Good listening skills can also help in building trust and rapport with new acquaintances and colleagues, making social and professional interactions more effective and enjoyable.
What Helped Me Overcome the ‘Introverted’ Challenges?
There are many resources and articles about overcoming challenges as introverted expats. Some of them are here: Article 1 + Article 2
However, here are the top 3 tips that helped me in journey:
1. Take Time
Having moved across 6 cities in the last 15 years, I soon recognize that time is needed to stop feeling like a fish out of water or to bring social anxiety down a notch. Whether it's exploring the new place, building friendships, or reconstructing a community, I take my time. When I tried to rush the process, I realized it made me resent living in a new city.
It takes me about 6 months to feel more settled, initiate some new, meaningful connections, and be at peace with the new environment with each move I made. So if you’re currently in a new country, go easy on yourself; give yourself time to feel settled.
2. Embrace Introversion
In the expat community, you will most likely notice the people person, the talkative, the adventurer, the bold, or the risk-taker. Many of these traits belong to extroverts or people pretending to be extroverts. But that doesn’t mean introverted expats cannot thrive. By embracing what works and what doesn’t work for me as an introvert, I figure out other ways to get connected and build a community.
Many expats encourage newcomers to join the Parent Teacher Organisation (PTO) in the International Schools their children attend. This is a wonderful way to get to know other moms. But it’s not the only way. Have I joined the PTO in my 15 years as an expat? Nope. What I have done intentionally is say yes to having coffee (1 on 1 or in a v small group of no more than 4) dates with moms who have children in the same class, the same extracurricular activity, or are neighbors.
And I have formed the most beautiful friendships and the most supportive community. Introversion is not timid and shy. It is most definitely not a weakness. Honour your natural tendencies and find ways that work for you. Own your introversion. 😊
A beautiful friendship
3. Step Out of Your Comfort Zone (Every Once in a While)
As one ages, it gets harder and harder to form new friendships or build a new community. It gets doubly hard as an introvert when all you’d like to do is hang out at home, alone. While it’s easier to stay comfortable in solitude, it’s important to step out of your comfort zone. Because that’s when you experience growth, new experiences, relationships, and activities.
I am a nerd. I love hanging out in the library. I never did any sports as a child. I cannot swim. When a dear friend broached the idea of playing Gaelic Football – a cross between Aussie Footy & Touch Rugby (if you don’t know what this sport is, read about it here), I was hesitant. I really wanted to hang out with her, so I said yes to joining the club for a season. It was grueling but exciting. I also felt very proud of myself for learning & playing a new sport, a team sport no less. That added to my experience in Vietnam but also, the memories shared with my friends – priceless.
Will I play a team contact sports again? Probably not.
Being tackled is an experience I don’t want to relive.
Moving to a new city or country can be daunting and overwhelming. But you can find ways to manage the overwhelm. Knowing your limits and when to retreat is important. Creating a haven for yourself for when you need to retreat is also important. As an introvert, you too can make your expat journey an exciting, enjoyable, and fulfilling one without sacrificing your needs.
If you know of a family member or a friend who can benefit from this article, please share it with them. If you are considering an expat position and would like to find out more about my personal experiences, let’s connect @sprou.tscollective or email at meng@sproutscollective.com
